September 17, 2006 "50 in the Clip"

09/17/2006 Big Daddy's - Tallahasee, FL
Other bands: Lola Ray

Whether or not it was the best idea I ever had, I went with Angelique to a porn mart down the street from the club in Tallahassee. It was a cheeky thing to do, completely in risque fun and with a veritable stranger (albeit a good looking one), though she had made it clear to me that at any time I wanted to ditch the scene, and for that matter our clothes, she would accomodate.

And I entertained the idea, if only at arms length, chewing on it like a warm rubber band. Having a kid does things to certain aspects of life at home. This could have been a perfect storm.

Ultimately, I never acted on any such urges. It was a short diversion and a ninety-second walk up the sidewalk to break the drudge of tour and even though I did feel a bit guilty about the whole ordeal, I was able to rationalize it by saying I ultimately never acted on any such urges. I merely danced around the flame, that's all. It was a game.

It did, however, cause me to wonder if I had opened a proverbial little red door, and maybe the next time I'd find myself in a similar situation I'd subsequently find myself on a dark van bench drenched in the smell of legs and hair with a stomach full of regret I'd have to drink away.

I put it out of my mind and Angelique left without incident.

Besides, my sex was on the stage. Maybe it was no coincidence that I now wore black gloves onstage, "rapist gloves" as some of the other guys used to call them. Performances were anymore a giant hatefuck directed in the direction of the smalls seas of apathetic faces dotting the lonely 200-cap landscapes we found ourselves in night after night.

I never turned my back on the audience anymore. They were a spotty wall of flesh that I constantly pushed against. And the more I did it, the more they seemed to pay attention.

If performing the way I did was a felonious offense, I'd just tell the cops "they asked for it."